If you’re applying to become Jupiter’s next high priest (flamen Dialis), you best get rid of your dog and pick up a swear jar now. Because either Jupiter was an extremely fussy god-king with undiagnosed OCD, or he must have loved to stack taboos on his priests like Jenga blocks.
Here are ten of the most bizarre taboos a flamen Dialis has to abide by, according to Aulus Gellius, a Roman author and grammarian, in case you want the job:
- No naming dogs or she-goats (thankfully, there’s no prohibition on naming who you think is the GOAT).
- Abandon your sourdough starter, my friend, because you can’t touch flour, let alone any of the breads made on the Great British Bake Off. (I will not judge you if you give up your application here.)
- Refrain from stripping yourself naked in the open air, even if your god can’t seem to keep his own tunic on.
- Best abandon your travel vlog and Instagram now, because if you so much as walk down one picturesque alley arbored with vines, you’re outta here!
- If you lose your wife, you’re fired. And no, Jupiter is not going to clarify if that means death or you just lost her in a Trader Joe’s parking lot again.
- You literally cannot call out of work because your gran died. Why? Because not only can you not touch a dead body, you can’t go to a funeral, let alone walk into a mortuary.
- Don’t let anyone take your fire. And no, I don’t mean your fighting spirit. Don’t let anyone turn on your stove, light a cigarette, and walk out of your house, else Jupiter will be absolutely furious with you, you horrible, horrible person.
- You can’t wear any knots. No braids, no ascots, no handkerchiefs. Why, you ask? Knot my problem.
- Jupiter will literally never talk to you again if you so much as touch one pinto (or any other) bean. This is your first and only warning.
- Also, your wife has to follow Jupiter’s rules, too. For one, make sure she wears a twig from a fruiting tree in her hat. Second, and this is really, really important: under no condition can she go more than three rungs of a ladder — unless it’s Greek ladder (because apparently we don’t have enough pride in Roman ladder craftmanship around here).
I’d love to say that if you’ve made it this far, you’ve got the job. But honestly, this was just the initial screening. We’ve got several more rounds of taboos to go! See you at the next interview.
References:
The Attic Nights of Aulus Gellius. With An English Translation. John C. Rolfe. Cambridge. Cambridge, Mass., Harvard University Press; London, William Heinemann, Ltd. 1927. http://data.perseus.org/citations/urn:cts:latinLit:phi1254.phi001.perseus-eng1:10.15